Am I crazy….or is it just me…I’m redefining burnout. I have such a love /hate relationship with everything in my life right now…..I am being driven by fear, and I know that is bad, but I feel like a crack addict trying to go cold turkey, with giving up my addiction to being consumed by the world. I love my job, but hate how I have allowed it to consume my life, how every minute of every day is determined for me….yet I am afraid to slow down, for fear I might have a life. I have been looking, thinking and pondering and have come to discover that I think the reason I keep myself so busy is so I have an excuse to push people away….I want so bad for meaningful close relationships, but have no greater fear at the same time, so I surround myself with work, as an excuse not to have time for them.
I would love to be in love again, and tell myself over and over, that I would be up for it…..and I have been telling myself….well if something will happen…God you need to just make it happen….without any effort on my part….once again because of fear, be it of rejection, of the trust, of pain, regardless it is stupid to tell “God, I’m going to sit here with no effort, and when someone falls in my lap, then I’ll know…..but I might move around a bit….actually you find me and make them fall in my lap while I’m sitting wherever I am sitting”…..absolute foolishness right…..welcome to my foolish mind, but I’m not going to lie to you….mortally afraid!
Then there is my spirituality….I am such a fickle Christian, I mean I am all about the Sunday, and running all the actions, jumping through the hoops….yet I find myself almost daily questioning do I really believe God?…which I do, mostly….BUT…..do I trust him with all things, or even most?….resounding “NO”…..if I had half the faith I should, I wouldn’t be so afraid but once again I run the motions and get spiritually revved on Sunday and during my study times, but by Noon am consumed in the world again…..over the last couple of weeks I have been slapped in the head when someone will see a bible on my desk, or hear me talk about church and people I work with everyday will be like “You’re Christian?!?!” *SMACK, SMACK*. It is so horrible, I have many excuses but it comes down to me allowing my Job Description and allowing money to define me….rather than God’s definition of me, I am so deep in the world it is hard, with constant stress and pressure, and no support because the few Christians I do know that I work with, are Convenience Christians, they’re Christian when useful, but no real substance. I want to be a good Christian,….yet I am so weak….I tell myself every week that I am going to change….but crack addict, cold turkey….by Noon…..I suck.
For a long time I have had night terrors…but recently they have gotten worse, I am starting to have paralytic night terrors where I can’t move and am stuck in the half dream, half awake state, with the most overwhelming terror and dread overwhelming me, or feel as if I am being tortured….I can’t even describe it….I am literally so terrified to close my eyes I can’t sleep for days…the only remedy is large quantities of alcohol to knock me out….but that’s not good….I don’t know why God has given me this cross, and I literally cry out for his help, because I have to sleep, and nothing….It is so horrible…I have moments that I want nothing more than to die…I can’t even think about it anymore.
I know, I am weak, and most people would say “If you don’t like it change it”….but how, “Pray and seek after God and he will take away your fear”….. ???? ….I will say, God gives me comforting moments…..and has on more than one occasion run to my side. And I am to blame in my fear, so is it my faith…and how do I increase that? I do all the things, and I try to have faith and believe in him with all my heart…but it is so bruised broken and torn I don’t know how to let him in to fix it, or how to….I know, I’m weak, and stupid, and I chose my path, by accepting my job, by allowing myself to doubt. But yeah, I wish I could say I was a better person….but I’m not…..but at least even in my humiliating imperfection know God still loves me unfailing, and perhaps the answer will come eventually….well…at least mostly know……
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment