It has been a while since I have written anything, so in case anyone cares I am going to post this note to myself…regardless of whether you care or not. The last month has been intense and the last couple of weeks have put me over the edge. In my last note I sort of went into the work turmoil. Which is easing up slightly, but still I almost feel winds are changing. Certain opportunities are opening up and circumstances are starting to change, which may necessitate my departure from my position sooner than I thought. To start with some know that recently I have been having spells where I will randomly pass out for periods of time, it wasn’t anything, only every month or couple…but recently it has become more frequent…like weekly if not more, although they don’t seem to last as long. But it has progressed farther, as now it is starting to effect my muscular system, I have muscle pain, and spasms more and more often over the last month, and my body goes into random almost panic or anxiety feeling attack…for no reason. The doctors aren’t sure exactly what it is, but suspect a combination of things, as they do know that my body is firing random chemicals at random times, which I guess isn’t normal…..hahaha….no it’s not. But the doctors do say that there is a large chance that it is because of the amounts of stress I appeal my body to, and so many years of not sleeping, and intensely stressful amongst other things, my body may finally be reacting to it. So my health may force me to resign my position. But I could still start my small division…and I have kind of thought of going back to school to finish my PhD in Psych.
Of course recently I have started to assess a lot of things…especially where I am in life….and if it is where I want to be. I just recently met someone who I thought was going to be awesome, and we hung out a couple of times, and had an awesome time, but in the end one of the major things was how much I was at work. I have a job that is very active intensive…and when it says jump, I am on the next flight, or 2AM meeting. I accepted that when I started down this road, and at the time I thought I had it all, money, power, and a constant distraction…social was a waste of time anyway, unless connected with work…work was the only place I fit in anyway
Yet recently as I have started to actually get friends who seem to care, and I experienced if only for a moment something that I have run from, and shut out, and shut down, for so long that it had drifted into nothing for me. I have spent my entire life trying to live up to some expectation, that I can’t define, for money, power, position…yet there is no ceiling to the expectation, and I don’t know for who it is for….except me….who is so perfectionist I have realized, I will always raise my bar….at the sacrifice of everything…and everyone else. I realize that I am a crappy friend who never has time…and always has work, and is bailing or never around when friends need me….for this I am sorry. It also has destroyed two recent potential relationships, and hurt someone I was getting very close to….and I use the stupid excuse…this is my life, you kinda have to get used to it….and then it came to me….no….no they don’t and won’t. At least not anyone I would truly want to be with, and I don’t want to turn into a CCR, “Cat’s in the Cradle” father…..
As a result I have decided I am not going to be Scrooge who gave up life and love, for his position, only to be remembered from my business ventures. Not to mention every time I hold my niece, and as I watch her grow up…I have started to think, I want a family…I legitimately want to meet someone to be my other half and raise a family….which I screwed up once, and don’t want to again. I also know that I can’t do that where I am now.
So I am taking a good friends advice and taking an action and a leap. I’m going to make changes and not make excuses.
Also on the front of spiritual grounds, I have decided to run with my decision to continue with what I have started doing over the last month, I still have many hesitations, and I think my separation has been a good thing, for I have a more enlightened perspectives on things I previously didn’t even think of, yet now that I understand, opens my eyes to many precepts and blessings I never understood before. I also feel more like I’m with family, because many of the people I have known for years growing up….maybe that is why God has kept me so close to my childhood home….
Anyway, for now this is what I feel I need to do, and I have faith God will lead me, and will never abandon me…and really I think in the end, I know with surety God knows my heart, and the passion I have for him and his son Jesus Christ who is our Savior and it is by his blood alone that I am saved and worth anything. He knows that I only want to serve him and worship him the best way I know how, and his love is upon me for it. As one of my favorite songs goes “I’ll bring you more than a song. For a song in itself, is not what you have required. You search much deeper within, from the way things appear. You’re looking into my heart. I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about you, it’s all about you Jesus.”
No comments:
Post a Comment